Unnecessary Education
by YamiKatie
Summary: Ryou and Bakura decide to give Malik an all-expenses paid tour around Japan. Will Malik escape Japan with his dignity intact? Not if Bakura has a say in the matter. Now featuring Marvin the Lizard, Bakura's sidekick and partner in mayhem!


A/N: And yet again, far too much time has passed between updates. Two or three weeks, I think. Not really what I had in mind. I have nearly finished 'Anger Management' chapter 2 though, so that should be up in five days, maximum. I need more comments for it though, because I'm not sure about a few bits of it and I have not got as many reviews for it as I would normally expect. Probably something to do with my two-week breaks between updates recently. I bet everyone's freezing me, just to pay me back. (clutches head) I can't take it! Please don't do this to me!

Anyhoo, this is a two-part humour fic, centred around the idea of teaching Malik a few things about Japan that he missed the first time round. The tour does not actually begin until the next part, because first there is the journey to the airport…ha ha…

Unnecessary Education.

"Yami, come _on! _We're going to be late!"

"I can't fin Marvin anywhere!" Crash. "Maaaaaarvin! Come on, you adorable little thing, come to Daddy." More crashes. Then: "Radammit you little freak, get over here!"

Ryou sighed inwardly. "I really don't think you should bring him to an airport. People might become alarmed."

"Nonsense. Who would look into those adorable round eyes and fail to love- **_OW!_** _That little bastard just bit me!"_

Plaintively: "Ya_-mi."_

"All right, all right. Quit whining already." Bakura trooped down the stairs, hands shoved deep in pockets. On meeting his light's accusing glare: "I know, I won't let him out."

"Good, because the last time you did-"

"Nothing happened!"

"-you nearly got us both arrested."

"Oh stop being so dull. It was an interesting new experience."

Ryou raised an eyebrow in something that was definitely not acquiescence, before deciding to leave the subject for now. "Fine, fine. Now hurry up and get in the car; we're going to be late."

Grumbling, his yami got into the car next to him. He drew Marvin out of his pocket and put him on the dashboard.

"I thought you said you were going to keep him in your pocket?"

"I know, but it's stuffy in there. Besides, he can see better from up here."

Ryou rolled his eyes. "Yami, he's a lizard. Lizards do not care about the view."

"Firstly: he's a gecko, not just any old lizard. And secondly: he does care about the view. He's artistic; he might get inspiration from the lovely scenery."

Shrug. "He'll end up as roadkill before the day is past."

Bakura glared at him. "Don't say that in front of him. Look, he's all nervous." He started ticking the gecko's scaly chin. "It's okay, Marvin; Daddy won't let you end up as roadkill." He frowned and sucked his finger. "Ow, he's scaly."

Ryou sighed and started up the car engine. They drove through the town without either of them saying much; occasionally though the silence was punctuated by coos of delight as Bakura encouraged Marvin to practice his back-flips.

Unable to see due to the fact that a gecko was performing gymnastics in front of him, an irate Ryou screamed, _"I can't see where I'm going!"_ He swerved, just in time to avoid crashing the little red car into oncoming traffic.

Completely unconcerned, Bakura wound down his window. "How about a pleasant breeze? Or is this a bit too much?"

"It's a bit windy-"

"I wasn't talking to you." The spirit lovingly fondled his pet, while not so much as looking at his light.

Ryou gritted his teeth and pressed down harder on the accelerator. The wind was now lashing against the car, causing him to half-close his eyes. Next to him, he heard his yami wail, "Maaarvin!"

Against his better judgement, Ryou braked sharply; a second later there was a screech as the car directly behind came to a screaming halt just in time. There was then a smash from the person unlucky enough to have been driving two places behind.

Bakura shot out of the car, oblivious to the threats being yelled about calling insurance companies and lawyers. He did a slow-motion run towards Marvin, who was lying in the middle of the road with his legs in the air.

Ryou watched from the car as his yami picked up the unmoving body. "Yami, I…I think…"

__

"He's not dead!" Bakura screamed. He perked up as Marvin opened his eyes and bit him. "Ow! He's alive!"

"Damn," Ryou muttered to himself.

His yami slid back into the seat next to him. "What are you waiting for? You keep hanging about and we're going to be late."

Ryou slammed down on the pedal, resulting on his yami being thrown forward into the windscreen and narrowly escaping having his forehead being filled with glass

"You idiot! What were you thinking? You could have hurt Marvin!"

"A small price to pay." The light grimly swerved left just in time to avoid another car, and was gratified to hear his yami slam sideways into the door again.

"Ow!"

"It serves you right."

Bakura scowled and started whispering to Marvin.

"Don't you know it's rude to whisper?"

The spirit glanced at him, then looked quickly away. "Marvin doesn't like you."

"My heart bleeds."

They drove on for another half an hour, before Ryou saw the airport in relief. His yami's endless whispering was beginning to grate.

"We're there."

"Wohoo!" Bakura let out a cheer and picked up Marvin with one hand, making the lizard soar through the air like a baby aeroplane. "You're going to see your first aeroplane, Marvin! It's like a car, only with wings; and they go through the air like this." He made engine noises as Marvin began his own little plane journey across the car.

Feeling oddly sorry for the lizard, Ryou seized the sleeve of his yami's jacket and steered him forcefully towards the door of the airport. The spirit was still chattering away to his gecko, and Ryou had to duck a few times to avoid some of the wilder and more extravagant hand gestures.

"Why are we here again?"

"To pick up Malik, remember?"

Bakura thought for a moment. Then he held Marvin up to his ear and said, "What was that?" He nodded. "Okay. " To Ryou: "Marvin thinks it's a good idea."

"Well we're doing it whether or not Marvin thinks it is a good idea, actually."

"You don't value his opinion at all, do you?"

"What was your first clue?" Ryou didn't wait for an answer, instead dragging his dark over to the people forming a long corridor from the baggage collection point. "Come on. He'll be coming out of this door any minute now."

…………

Malik Ishtar bypassed the luggage collection point; as he was only staying in Japan for one day he had but a single piece of luggage, which was the rucksack upon his back. He glanced at the sign above the door, and meandered over to the exit where he was supposed to be meeting Ryou and Bakura. All around him he could hear the ceaseless chatter of Japanese – Ra, they went so fast he could barely follow it – and the constant dipping of heads as people bowed was beginning to freak him out. It was like being trapped in a house filled with nodding dogs.

"Malik!" Bakura skipped up to him. "Dude! I missed you!" He started hugging Malik's head.

The Egyptian cringed and pulled away as quickly as possible, adjusting his dark glasses at the same time as pulling his full-length coat tighter around him.

"What's with the shades?" Ryou asked.

"This is a potentially humiliating experience," Malik muttered. "I don't want to be recognised."

Bakura started laughing. "So what are you expecting to happen when you take them off?"

"For everyone to stare and say, 'Oh my Ra, it's Malik Ishtar hanging around with those two again. Someone pass the tranquilliser gun.'"

Ryou blinked. "Are we really that well known for causing trouble?"

"Let's find out!" Bakura happily whipped off Malik's shades. The Egyptian shrieked and made a wild grab for them, sending them both flying. At the same moment everyone started staring at them, and someone said loudly, "Oh my Ra! Malik Ishtar? And he's hanging around with _those two?"_

"Dude, pass the tranquilliser gun."

"Sure."

Malik was moaning softly. Ryou could make out something along the lines of 'my reputation is ruined', and laughed. "What reputation? You don't have a reputation."

"Not any more." Malik massaged his temples wearily. "Why did I agree to this? Why?"

"Because you have a passionate interest in Japan and its culture, and you would like a unique tour with some of its most responsible and knowledgeable inhabitants?" Ryou suggested.

Malik blinked. "…Actually, Bakura got me really pissed first. It seemed like a good idea then."

"Booze makes everything a good idea," Bakura said contentedly. "Anyway, cheer up. It'll be fun. We'll show you loads of great stuff." He looked at his light expectantly. "Where are we taking him first?"

"Oki-nami. The best restaurant ever. We're going to teach him the real meaning of Japanese food."

Bakura rubbed his hands together in undisguised glee. _"Excellent."_

…………

A/N: I know this is a bit on the short side, but I find I can never really write a lot for humour stories, especially not in one go. I always feel so self-conscious writing humour things; I keep wondering if they are actually funny or not. This felt okay, but… (shrug) you tell me. (jumps up and down while pointing to Review button) feeeeeeedback! Yes! We must have feedbacksies my preciousss, musn't we?


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